lying there wondering.

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lying there wondering.

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.



	2005.12.29 15.57 does anyone in my theatre class want to go to new york the friest weekend of spring break??
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	2005.11.07 21.27 i'm in love with the man of my dreams.
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	2005.08.11 06.11 schedule red: 1-history arts ADV ->mcgeeney 2-statistics AP ->johnston 3-dance/tap 1 ->benedict 4-theatre 4 ->bradford white: 1-stage production ->kleier 2-english 4 ADV ->stefater 3-human geography ->murphy 4-theater 4 ->braford um...yea, no on but NO ONE has classes with me. its kinda strange.
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	2005.06.05 20.00 yea buddy this is mostly for nicole and allison. but READ MOTHERFUCKERS! ( 101 rules of hardcore ) HEH! amazing. Mood: groggy
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2005.05.18 16.27

so. life has been awesome, save for fmily and school, but those don't really matter down the road. right?
i raped today's APUS history test. yessiree. me=awesome.
5 fucking days man, 5 fucking days.
just 3 more finals. yippidee-doo.
i'm screwed in those 3 finals though, i know it.
just a 3.0 lord God. i ask nothing more.
this summer should be thoroughly good. if my parents can get their heads out of their asses.
let's see, chris is amazing.
la-de-da.
goodbye.

.smile.

Mood: awake

(3 can laugh | smile)



	2005.03.19 13.13 golly things have ben going relatively well. school is incredibly monotnous, but i hope that means that i can get good grades. new works ends tonight. so far things have really come together. i'm really proud of everyone. my birthday is monday and i've informed few and asked for less. we'll just have to see what happens. counting down for summer. oh baby oh baby. IRON MAIDEN IS PLAYING IN INDIANAPOLIS ON JULY 31ST!!!!! Mood: groggy
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	2005.03.09 20.11 i'm so tired of being in pain. i want my motivation back. i want to do well, thats the only way i can leave. please come back to me motivation. please. i feel so utterly self-centered. then i feel bad, which is still thinking of myself. i hate to complain, i'm really just explaining myself. which naturally assumes the other person is even affected by my presence. which is self-centeredness. it never ends. it hurts so bad. then i feel bad for burdening them, but thats just assuming i linger on their thoughts after we part. which is selfish. but if they ask me about my feelings its because they care, right? or is it just because they're trying to be nice and maybe if they act like they care, i'll smile and they won't have to hear my complaints? i feel like if i just have a drink or a cigarette i'll feel better. but i'm not going to do that because then i feel even worse afterward and do it more. then i get completely trashed, then i wake up and completely regret everything i've done. damnit.
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2005.03.02 18.57
update smupdate

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Mood: blank

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	2005.03.01 19.01 fuck hell.
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	2005.02.23 20.27 not good. oh well. get over yourself. it all starts in the end. with a girl that can't help it. it's amazing how hard she tries to win. when all she knows how to do is sit and care about the other one. when so much is at stake, she tries to just suck it up and run, but eventually she cries and can no longer help. go ahead and turn around. she just can't take much more. self-worth is low and she scared of others' lust. what difference does it make to you? just move on, it doesn't concern your future. it's easy to make a new life without her, you can learn. while this is all so hard, and hurts so bad inside and out, why should we play this card and merely get up, no doubt in time it would be okay. but maybe not for her. maybe she would go astray end up with life as a blur. so we live from day to day, laughing to somehow send the message that we're okay. it all starts in the end.
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	2005.02.23 18.22 fuck. hell. damnit. my fucking self fucked with beauty. i'm stuck in my head. save me. no, don't. you can't. of course why would you want to try. don't ask why. you can't fix it katy. you fuck everything up. stop saying you it's selfish. don't be selfish. get out of your head. help somebody. who can i help. that's selfish. damnit it's a catch 22. damnit. fuck. nothing's working. nothing's helping. i'm scared. scared to live. scared to help. scared to feel. i don't know expression, so i just cry. when i'm happy, when i'm sad. all the time. two different worlds. stop it katy. stop talking about yourself. no one cares. why should they care. you're selfish katy. go help someone. but not for yourself. for them. genuine care. i genuinly care for someone. thats worng. get over it katy. theres no point. what will it accomplish. don't live in the future. live day to day. day to day gets harder and harder. i'm in so much pain. physical. emotional. fuck. stop.
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	2005.02.20 17.33 oh the feelings rustling inside me.
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	2005.02.19 00.02 *beautifully random*
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	2005.02.06 22.17 well, well, well, what have we here? THIS WEEKEND FUCKING ROCKED! i went to homecoming friday. it was so much FUN. i danced with so many people and had a really good time. i thought it was fucking hilarious that they play ONE and ONLY ONE slow-dance song. FUCKING HILARIOUS. then i went to chris's house. which totally rocked, we watched the new metallica dvd. then i went home and slept. then went to work. then to cherry bomb, tony boombazz, then the mall. then i came home and watched school of rock and half of SNL. then i slept. then i went to church. then i slept. then i went to work. everybody was watching the superbowl, so after like 6:00 2 people came in. a woman and a gay man. heh. so devan stopped by to give me his story (fucking amazing) then chris came. so chris, devan, cindy, and i sat there for like an hour and a half and talked. it was just...cool. then chris left to go play ANOTHER show. then devan left. so cindy and i finished closing and were outta there at like 9:17. it totally kicked ass. so i just came home and just watched the patriots win the superbowl. KICK ASS. yupp. i don't want to go to school tomorrow. i have homework and i ain't doin it. .smile. Mood: complacent
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	2005.01.30 16.57 fucking affirmative i had an amazing weekend. i'm sick, like coughing constantly and my lungs hurt like whoa. but i feel so good emotionally. it's really weird. i saw napolean dynamite for the first time. i decided that i'm quitting smoking and drinking. i only do it to take pain away, but i end up hating myself more afterward. and i just found out that nicole is quitting too. which rocks so incredibly much. and it will be so much easier to stop. thatnk God for chris smith. .smile. Mood: accomplished
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	2005.01.20 21.48 damn straight. "how you gonna be commin into mah boy's crib in that slinky little skirt? yah know thats my little weakness."--alex's play. classic, ya know why? patrick martin said that to me. so, i auditioned for 7 new works plays today, but i think i have a SURE shot at 2 of them. which would be totally awesome, b/c those are the 2 i like. i'm DIEING to be in a show. ima going crazy. i saw betrayal tosay. i liked the script more than the performance. i've decided that it isn't healthy for me to DREAD waking up in te morning and having to not be happy for at least 8 hours straight. i'm sick and tired of being disrepected on a daily basis, hell, an hourly basis. i've stopped smiling at school. if i'm smiling, it's fake. i'm an actor for fucks sake. speaking of fucking. i had the realization the other day that i'm single. and I'M OKAY WITH THAT. i like it. i'm 'not getting any' and thats quite alright. i have my friends and i'm happy, when i'm with them. it's a really cool, new and awesome feeling. for the record, my last post was a poem i found. i didn't write it. java is my haven. THANK GOD for people like chris smith who allow you to pour your heart and soul on the table and they pass no judgement. God love 'em. .smile. or not, sometimes it's hard. Mood: drained
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	2005.01.18 20.25 save me from this hell of my inner mind it scares me, it's slowly wasting me away i fear my body can't last much longer are my days growing faint? no. i can hardly breathe anymore it tears me up that i can't make anyone happy a seam right down the middle sorry for being selfish
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	2005.01.17 16.40 wow. this weekend was amazing. even my phone being dead beyond ressurection doesn't seem so bad looking back. Mood: anxious
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	2005.01.08 10.36 go ahead, make my day. i dare ya. well. i feel great on 2.5 hours of sleep. not. last night was awful. i realized i have been bold face lying to one of my best friends, and i probably won't stop. i went to a show. i ate penn station. i went back to the show. sammie's purse was stolen by a big scary white wigger guy. i had a panic attack. the police hung up on me and told us to go home. i got a flat tire on breckinridge lane. i had a panic attack. it was really cold and raining. i called chris. i had a panic attack. i told sammie and nicole that i'd be fine and to go back to the church. i had a panic attack. i spent half an hour with chris trying to change my tire. we tried my jack. we tried his jack. we tried my jack. the car kept rolling. i spent half an hour calling AAA and repeatedly gettting the answering machine. i had a panic attack. i was yelled at by my parents. i had a panic attack. i waited with chris for the AAA guys for an hour and a half. i had 4 panic attacks,. i got a condescending look from my father, and a roll of the eyes. the guys couldn't get my tire off. the big truck came. they hit my car and tire with a mallet. they changed my tire. chris went home. i follwed my dad home. i got yelled at. i was so cold that i couldn't go to sleep. i didn't warm up till 4:30, thus going to sleep. i woke up at 7:00 for work at 7:30. it was the busiest saturday morning i've ever worked. i'm slaphappy. my parents are disappointed in me. i'm reverting to a terrible old habit.
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	2005.01.06 17.59 oh, a day in the life. so, i've come to the realization that i am obssessed with java brewing company. i go early when i work. and last night i wasn't working but went and spent 4.5 hours there doing homework and chillin with my co-workers. then tonight i stopped by prosepct java, got coffee, went down to frankfort java and talked to chris for an hour, then came back to prospect java and read the play i'm reading. i love the atmosphere, environment, and people. man oh man. i really needed to talk to chris smith today. it felt so goo dto talk about everything. but now i realize that i am such an incredible selfish person, not arrogant, but selfish. just as most people are. i know my life is perfect compared to other people's, but other people's lives are perfect compared to mine. basically i'm sick and tired of being fucked up, to whatever agree. i want healthy habits. i really like mr. smith, i feel like he's a big brother i never had. .smile. Mood: discontent
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	2005.01.04 15.33 yupperoos. i'm too bored, lazt, and pissed off to update. so: I. Reply to this post because I would like to say a couple words about you. II. I will also tell you what song(s) remind(s) me of you when I hear it/them. III. I will also tell you what celebrity/movie character/public person you remind me of, either personality-wise or looks-wise. IV. I will also give ONE WORD that I associate with you when I think of you. V. We all could use a boost now and then, so steal this for your journal and make someone?s day as well. Mood: confused
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	2004.12.25 20.29 christmas apprarently i'm the fucking maid. i didn't want to play "pass the pigs" so i had to clean the kitchen instead. its christmas dammit, you'd think my parents could for one day, not act dissapointed or yell at me. i got: fight club dvd heathers dvd mean girls dvd swatch watch maroon chucks metallic pink high heels (kick ass) clothes books various other non-practical quasi-cool items there is an mp3 player in the mail yes, i had a good christmas material-wise. i want to spend time with my friends.
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	2004.12.24 17.36 tis the fucking season my family has done nothing but yell and cry all day. and i had to be at work at 6:45. most of our presents are on a fed-ex truck in jeffersonville indiana. my grandparents are stuck at their house in south-western kentucky, and i haven't finished my shopping. and i can't drive til sunday (maybe tomorrow, but only with good reason, which there are few good reasoins for my parents.) merry fucking christmas.
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	2004.12.21 20.16 fuck shit goddamned mutherfucking son of a bitch a 23 year old KISSED me. how ironic that just yesterday my psychologist said that i was born 5 years late. thatr i should be in my early 20's and not a teenager. he said my mind is trapped ina 16 yr olds body. damnit. Mood: frustrated
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	2004.12.16 19.04 tickle-me-katy. well well well. this week has gone by INCREDIBLY slowly. i woke up and definitely thought that it was friday. they even had BUFFALO WINGS at lunch. you don't have BUFFALO WINGS on thursday. but tomorrow is FRIDAY. i'm so incredibly happy. cept for i'm super busy this weekend. i babysit fri, work sat, babysit saturday night, church sunday, work sun night. the suck. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. i was talking to my friend, can you be addicted to sex. like, if you use sex (or sexual activity) as a form of escape? isn't that like using a drug? i don't know. just wondering. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. and when i come back to school from break, ima be beautiful. ima not be pale, no bags under my eyes, clear complextion, fed properly, well rested. yupp, you won't be able to keep them off me. heh. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. BREAK IS ALMOST HERE. Mood: cold
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